Give him a show on VH1: Toby Jones

Adventures in Useless Bullshit: Birdbaths

Dustin, Jr.: Why didn't you hit the target?

Kenny Powers: Because, Dustin, Jr., at the last minute I decided NOT to hit the target. I decided to go for that birdbath your Dad put in there just- I'm trying so hard not to be an asshole to you guys, ok? Just please work with me here... alright, I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you guys. I'm just kinda disappointed with my own arm and how it's trying to butt-fuck me back here.

Dustin, Jr.: I hated that birdbath.

Kenny: I broke that birdbath for you 'cause I knew how much you hated it 'cause we're the same. I hate that fuckin' thing too... A stork wrapped around a tree branch, that's the stupidest thing I've ever seen before. You know how the plague started back in the day, was from a little disgusting birdbath in someone's backyard that rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.

- Eastbound and Down



Who said that we needed more puddles in the world? Puddles that stand 3 feet off the ground, for that matter. And since when should I care if birds have a stone oasis to post up for some quality loitering time? If I’m not mistaken, these are the same assholes that splatter my windshield with so much white goo it looks like Andre the Giant just used my Honda as a jizz rag.



Every time I see a birdbath in someone’s backyard, the water looks like the Incredible Hulk has just fired a snot rocket into a swamp. Every fucking time. If birds need water so badly, use your goddamn wings to fly to a park. You’re not my pet fish; don’t expect me to clean your water.



Don’t give me that bullshit about liking to watch birds in your backyard. First of all, birdwatching is the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard. What are you, a cat? Stop staring out your window looking at birds all day. Unless, of course, you just bought a pellet gun and are thinking of shooting some of their eyes out.

I'd like to point out that this stance does not apply to bird feeders, just the waterin' holes. See, bird feeders serve a purpose. Bird baths? Not so much. If I wanted birds to have a drink in my backyard, I'd be serving Jameson-ginger ales, not poop-infested water.



What have birds ever done for humanity? Man is bending over backwards for these flying rats without even a "wing job" in return. Example 1) the countless "Save the Birds" organizations. Example 2) Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls: Ace regurgitates food into the mouths of hungry birds, in effect saving their pitiful lives.



Hungry fella? Good. Die.

A Gotham Resident Meets for a Drink with Freshman Year College Roommate

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Phrases That Make me Puke in my Pants and/or Jizz in my Mouth

"Stay out of trouble!"

Sometimes people, well salesmen, will spout off a closing comment as you're walking out of the store in order to feign friendliness. I guess these are supposed to remind you that the person working on commission is "actually a really good guy." I dont know if this particular saying belongs in that category, but I fucking hate it anyway.

"Stay out of trouble"? What trouble could that dude's lame ass possibly get into? Sending in his car payment two days late? Forgetting to fill in a section on his taxes? I know for a fact he will listen to public AM radio on the way home.

Depending on the shmuck, I'll bet the most frequent response to this brilliant advice is usually "I'll try! hahahaha." Living on the edge for you is probably failing to get your 5 daily servings of fruits and vegetables. Remember January when you were laying in bed and realized you were a peach short for the day? Never seen someone walk so briskly into the kitchen and hurriedly scarf a banana. So crazy.

I have a suggestion for you: do something that warrants this word of warning and you'll have my respect. Like heroin.

Unintentionally racist thought that was actually pretty funny #1

A while ago, I’m driving home from work in the midst of a tasty bowl of hairy chronic. To those of you who are thinking the following...

- "woah, this guy has a problem"
- "can’t you wait?!"
- "what does the adjective ‘hairy’ have to do with anything?"

...we probably aren’t that good of friends or you are definitely on the wrong website. And you try to listen to rap all day at work and not have the urge to puff, puff...not pass on the way home.

I digress. So it's broad daylight. I’m almost home and find myself, paraphernalia in hand, driving through a suburban area dotted with smiling parents with strollers, happy elderly couples, and 106 drivers all looking at me with 911 already dialed just waiting for me to lift the devil device to my lips so they can press SEND. My paranoia also spots several dozen perfect hiding spots for cops equipped with heat-sensor binoculars. You may remember this from philosophy class as "The Stoner’s Dilemma."

My conscience, at least what’s left of it, kicks in and I contemplate holding off for a few minutes until the coast is clear. This is when the totally involuntary, yet instantly amusing, thought goes through my head:

"hey, I’m a white guy in a button-down and dress pants...should be good to go."

I commence lift off.

Top 5 Reasons G-Force Beat Harry Potter at the Box Office

5) 76 times more rodent fetishes exist than previously believed.


Describes why I thought I heard a few guys in my row spanking it but convinced myself that would be absurd. Then I slipped and fell while walking to the bathroom.

But really, there have to be at least a handful of people who masturbate to mice, rats, gerbils, and hamsters. I mean, c’mon, Ron Jeremy did porn. There had to be some guys who played their skin flute to his sweaty stomach.

Can you imagine what these sickos thought when they heard this movie coming out? In 3D? They were more thrilled than pedophiles were for the (admittedly ill-conceived) chocolate milk/roofie convention of 1997.

4) Nic Cage stars as voice of guinea pig


2010: the year we anoint Nic “where did the fucking ‘k’ on the end of your name disappear to, you pompous asshole?” Cage with the crown--actually a ring of human-shit-covered-with-movie-ticket-stubs-- that has been weighing so heavily on Kevin Costner's dome for the past (enter number of years one could call his time as an actor a "career") years.

While it's impossible not to mention the truly badass movies he has been a part of (Cage: Face/Off, Lord of War, The Rock; Costner: Field of Dreams, Robin Hood, The Untouchables), we collectively cringe when seeing his name attached to the work he so obviously was on peyote when he agreed to it (Cage: Knowing, the National Treasure franchise, The Family Man; Costner: For Love of the Game, The Postman, Waterworld--sorry Bill K.)

But the fact is that Nic Cage is a true A-list movie star who is able to pack theatres every. fucking. movie. he. makes. By simply jacking off with the ashes of Hollywood greats before him on screen for either 80 minutes or 280, NicKKKKKKK (take that, fucker) is able to make so much money that I’m sure he has a room in his house that rivals Scrooge McDuck's (who, when he decided to take his money out of his basement and invest, became one of the sadder Madoff victim stories)


3) Tracy Morgan stars as voice of guinea pig

I like the fact he is in this movie because of this photo:


I love that he is a voiceover because of this photo:



Looking at these pictures, it just dawned how this movie would be an instant classic if it were R-rated— graphic guinea pig sex romps, obsenity-laced tirades in squeaky mousespeak, and the inevitable (and hilarious) drug problem of one of the rodents (obviously Morgan's).

Throw in the fact that Tracy's keep-this-crazy-black-guy-under-control-since-this-is-a-kids-movie leash wouldn't exist (not to mention that during filming said leash was probably shorter than Mischa Barton's acting career) and we have a film for 2009's time capsule. Ah, the time capsule, hands down one of the instantly useless items after the outbreak of VH1 and the internet.

Plus, there was the segment from the outrageously overlooked Comedy Central show “Crank Yankers” (see below). As an aspiring prank caller myself (having logged over 100 calls to the illegal immigrants answering the Extenze phone line in my last collegiate semester alone), I know the clip of Tracy giving a call to a newspaper trying to place a personal ad is the video used in Crank Calling 102 (actual class for the "Telemarketing" major at the University of Mississippi).

Lines such as "I like my women hairy" and "gotta have a clean ass" make me realize Tracy is a comic genius. Plus, he has “STOVE TOP” tattooed on his cock.

Funny, but not as impressive as the American regalia on my genitalia : the Bill of Rights.



2) David Wright commercial that aired 27 times every hour during Fox’s MLB All-Star Game coverage

See the ad here

Wright pulls this off with the camera composure of someone who is trying to read a cue-card with two Hooters girls jumping up and down behind the camera. While dumping pitchers of water on each others shirts in a slightly different direction than where he should be looking.

And he’s laughing worse than Jimmy Fallon in a skit during the period where I refer to SNL as “The Wonder Years.” Calling it this refers to me wondering 5 things when I found myself watching the “show” during this time period:

1) Why am I home on a Saturday night?
2) Did I forget how a remote works?
3) Why am I watching Fallon laughing like it’s the second rehearsal instead of shooting him in the temple?
4) Why don’t I shoot myself right now since it will save me the cost of an Amtrak ticket to NYC?
5) At least I only have to sit through this asshole's bullshit on late-night TV once a week

And if regular “Joe the Moviegoer” is anything like me, they usually think right before buying a ticket on Fandango “wait a second, what movie is the third baseman for the Mets not going to tonight?”

Holla! You're a fag.


And the number one reason G-Force beat Harry Potter 6 at the Box Office...

1) Zack Galifianakis on Conan during week movie opened

The obvious reason.