A while ago, I’m driving home from work in the midst of a tasty bowl of hairy chronic. To those of you who are thinking the following...
- "woah, this guy has a problem" - "can’t you wait?!" - "what does the adjective ‘hairy’ have to do with anything?"
...we probably aren’t that good of friends or you are definitely on the wrong website. And you try to listen to rap all day at work and not have the urge to puff, puff...not pass on the way home.
I digress. So it's broad daylight. I’m almost home and find myself, paraphernalia in hand, driving through a suburban area dotted with smiling parents with strollers, happy elderly couples, and 106 drivers all looking at me with 911 already dialed just waiting for me to lift the devil device to my lips so they can press SEND. My paranoia also spots several dozen perfect hiding spots for cops equipped with heat-sensor binoculars. You may remember this from philosophy class as "The Stoner’s Dilemma."
My conscience, at least what’s left of it, kicks in and I contemplate holding off for a few minutes until the coast is clear. This is when the totally involuntary, yet instantly amusing, thought goes through my head:
"hey, I’m a white guy in a button-down and dress pants...should be good to go."
5) 76 times more rodent fetishes exist than previously believed.
Describes why I thought I heard a few guys in my row spanking it but convinced myself that would be absurd. Then I slipped and fell while walking to the bathroom.
But really, there have to be at least a handful of people who masturbate to mice, rats, gerbils, and hamsters. I mean, c’mon, Ron Jeremy did porn. There had to be some guys who played their skin flute to his sweaty stomach.
Can you imagine what these sickos thought when they heard this movie coming out? In 3D? They were more thrilled than pedophiles were for the (admittedly ill-conceived) chocolate milk/roofie convention of 1997.
4) Nic Cage stars as voice of guinea pig
2010: the year we anoint Nic “where did the fucking ‘k’ on the end of your name disappear to, you pompous asshole?” Cage with the crown--actually a ring of human-shit-covered-with-movie-ticket-stubs-- that has been weighing so heavily on Kevin Costner's dome for the past (enter number of years one could call his time as an actor a "career") years.
While it's impossible not to mention the truly badass movies he has been a part of (Cage: Face/Off, Lord of War, The Rock; Costner: Field of Dreams, Robin Hood, The Untouchables), we collectively cringe when seeing his name attached to the work he so obviously was on peyote when he agreed to it (Cage: Knowing, the National Treasure franchise, The Family Man; Costner: For Love of the Game, The Postman, Waterworld--sorry Bill K.)
But the fact is that Nic Cage is a true A-list movie star who is able to pack theatres every. fucking. movie. he. makes. By simply jacking off with the ashes of Hollywood greats before him on screen for either 80 minutes or 280, NicKKKKKKK (take that, fucker) is able to make so much money that I’m sure he has a room in his house that rivals Scrooge McDuck's (who, when he decided to take his money out of his basement and invest, became one of the sadder Madoff victim stories)
3) Tracy Morgan stars as voice of guinea pig
I like the fact he is in this movie because of this photo:
I love that he is a voiceover because of this photo:
Looking at these pictures, it just dawned how this movie would be an instant classic if it were R-rated— graphic guinea pig sex romps, obsenity-laced tirades in squeaky mousespeak, and the inevitable (and hilarious) drug problem of one of the rodents (obviously Morgan's).
Throw in the fact that Tracy's keep-this-crazy-black-guy-under-control-since-this-is-a-kids-movie leash wouldn't exist (not to mention that during filming said leash was probably shorter than Mischa Barton's acting career) and we have a film for 2009's time capsule. Ah, the time capsule, hands down one of the instantly useless items after the outbreak of VH1 and the internet.
Plus, there was the segment from the outrageously overlooked Comedy Central show “Crank Yankers” (see below). As an aspiring prank caller myself (having logged over 100 calls to the illegal immigrants answering the Extenze phone line in my last collegiate semester alone), I know the clip of Tracy giving a call to a newspaper trying to place a personal ad is the video used in Crank Calling 102 (actual class for the "Telemarketing" major at the University of Mississippi).
Lines such as "I like my women hairy" and "gotta have a clean ass" make me realize Tracy is a comic genius. Plus, he has “STOVE TOP” tattooed on his cock.
Funny, but not as impressive as the American regalia on my genitalia : the Bill of Rights.
2) David Wright commercial that aired 27 times every hour during Fox’s MLB All-Star Game coverage See the ad here
Wright pulls this off with the camera composure of someone who is trying to read a cue-card with two Hooters girls jumping up and down behind the camera. While dumping pitchers of water on each others shirts in a slightly different direction than where he should be looking.
And he’s laughing worse than Jimmy Fallon in a skit during the period where I refer to SNL as “The Wonder Years.” Calling it this refers to me wondering 5 things when I found myself watching the “show” during this time period:
1) Why am I home on a Saturday night?
2) Did I forget how a remote works?
3) Why am I watching Fallon laughing like it’s the second rehearsal instead of shooting him in the temple?
4) Why don’t I shoot myself right now since it will save me the cost of an Amtrak ticket to NYC?
5) At least I only have to sit through this asshole's bullshit on late-night TV once a week
And if regular “Joe the Moviegoer” is anything like me, they usually think right before buying a ticket on Fandango “wait a second, what movie is the third baseman for the Mets not going to tonight?”
Holla! You're a fag.
And the number one reason G-Force beat Harry Potter 6 at the Box Office...
1) Zack Galifianakis on Conan during week movie opened
