Give him a show on VH1: Toby Jones

Adventures in Useless Bullshit: Birdbaths

Dustin, Jr.: Why didn't you hit the target?

Kenny Powers: Because, Dustin, Jr., at the last minute I decided NOT to hit the target. I decided to go for that birdbath your Dad put in there just- I'm trying so hard not to be an asshole to you guys, ok? Just please work with me here... alright, I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you guys. I'm just kinda disappointed with my own arm and how it's trying to butt-fuck me back here.

Dustin, Jr.: I hated that birdbath.

Kenny: I broke that birdbath for you 'cause I knew how much you hated it 'cause we're the same. I hate that fuckin' thing too... A stork wrapped around a tree branch, that's the stupidest thing I've ever seen before. You know how the plague started back in the day, was from a little disgusting birdbath in someone's backyard that rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.

- Eastbound and Down



Who said that we needed more puddles in the world? Puddles that stand 3 feet off the ground, for that matter. And since when should I care if birds have a stone oasis to post up for some quality loitering time? If I’m not mistaken, these are the same assholes that splatter my windshield with so much white goo it looks like Andre the Giant just used my Honda as a jizz rag.



Every time I see a birdbath in someone’s backyard, the water looks like the Incredible Hulk has just fired a snot rocket into a swamp. Every fucking time. If birds need water so badly, use your goddamn wings to fly to a park. You’re not my pet fish; don’t expect me to clean your water.



Don’t give me that bullshit about liking to watch birds in your backyard. First of all, birdwatching is the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard. What are you, a cat? Stop staring out your window looking at birds all day. Unless, of course, you just bought a pellet gun and are thinking of shooting some of their eyes out.

I'd like to point out that this stance does not apply to bird feeders, just the waterin' holes. See, bird feeders serve a purpose. Bird baths? Not so much. If I wanted birds to have a drink in my backyard, I'd be serving Jameson-ginger ales, not poop-infested water.



What have birds ever done for humanity? Man is bending over backwards for these flying rats without even a "wing job" in return. Example 1) the countless "Save the Birds" organizations. Example 2) Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls: Ace regurgitates food into the mouths of hungry birds, in effect saving their pitiful lives.



Hungry fella? Good. Die.

A Gotham Resident Meets for a Drink with Freshman Year College Roommate

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Phrases That Make me Puke in my Pants and/or Jizz in my Mouth

"Stay out of trouble!"

Sometimes people, well salesmen, will spout off a closing comment as you're walking out of the store in order to feign friendliness. I guess these are supposed to remind you that the person working on commission is "actually a really good guy." I dont know if this particular saying belongs in that category, but I fucking hate it anyway.

"Stay out of trouble"? What trouble could that dude's lame ass possibly get into? Sending in his car payment two days late? Forgetting to fill in a section on his taxes? I know for a fact he will listen to public AM radio on the way home.

Depending on the shmuck, I'll bet the most frequent response to this brilliant advice is usually "I'll try! hahahaha." Living on the edge for you is probably failing to get your 5 daily servings of fruits and vegetables. Remember January when you were laying in bed and realized you were a peach short for the day? Never seen someone walk so briskly into the kitchen and hurriedly scarf a banana. So crazy.

I have a suggestion for you: do something that warrants this word of warning and you'll have my respect. Like heroin.