Dustin, Jr.: Why didn't you hit the target?
Kenny Powers: Because, Dustin, Jr., at the last minute I decided NOT to hit the target. I decided to go for that birdbath your Dad put in there just- I'm trying so hard not to be an asshole to you guys, ok? Just please work with me here... alright, I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you guys. I'm just kinda disappointed with my own arm and how it's trying to butt-fuck me back here.
Dustin, Jr.: I hated that birdbath.
Kenny: I broke that birdbath for you 'cause I knew how much you hated it 'cause we're the same. I hate that fuckin' thing too... A stork wrapped around a tree branch, that's the stupidest thing I've ever seen before. You know how the plague started back in the day, was from a little disgusting birdbath in someone's backyard that rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.
- Eastbound and Down
Who said that we needed more puddles in the world? Puddles that stand 3 feet off the ground, for that matter. And since when should I care if birds have a stone oasis to post up for some quality loitering time? If I’m not mistaken, these are the same assholes that splatter my windshield with so much white goo it looks like Andre the Giant just used my Honda as a jizz rag.
Every time I see a birdbath in someone’s backyard, the water looks like the Incredible Hulk has just fired a snot rocket into a swamp. Every fucking time. If birds need water so badly, use your goddamn wings to fly to a park. You’re not my pet fish; don’t expect me to clean your water.
Don’t give me that bullshit about liking to watch birds in your backyard. First of all, birdwatching is the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard. What are you, a cat? Stop staring out your window looking at birds all day. Unless, of course, you just bought a pellet gun and are thinking of shooting some of their eyes out.
I'd like to point out that this stance does not apply to bird feeders, just the waterin' holes. See, bird feeders serve a purpose. Bird baths? Not so much. If I wanted birds to have a drink in my backyard, I'd be serving Jameson-ginger ales, not poop-infested water.
What have birds ever done for humanity? Man is bending over backwards for these flying rats without even a "wing job" in return. Example 1) the countless "Save the Birds" organizations. Example 2) Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls: Ace regurgitates food into the mouths of hungry birds, in effect saving their pitiful lives.
Hungry fella? Good. Die.
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